I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Randomize
