Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
