I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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