my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
