I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
how drunk are you?
Several
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
