Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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