YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
