I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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