after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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