So drunk its hurt
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
sarcasm needs its own font
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
