OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
there is glitter all over my balls
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize