I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
