my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
