sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
