Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
