I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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