I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
