I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
