You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
