We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
