My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
