remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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