I'm really into asian looking animals
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
