My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
