Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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