It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
