??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
