So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
