I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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