I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
All I want is dick and wine.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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