i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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