I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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