hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
It's blow job season.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
