I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
