Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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