perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
