I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I could make wine with my vomit
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize