the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
