So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I have fence marks all over my body
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
