I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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