so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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