if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
