"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
