i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
