Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
