I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
