Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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