No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
