someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
