Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Too much gin, very little bucket
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
