Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
