I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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