tonight lets celebrate not being married
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
