in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
