Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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