My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
