It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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