Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
