Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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