So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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