plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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